I have found that it is often very hard to date other women...just for the fact that they are women, and it makes life hard when you're trying to negotiate with someone, but their hormones are making them just scream and cry all the time. Let me explain...
In this world in which we live...I am not societies norm. I feel unwanted, cast away, shunned---all because of who I am and who I fall in love with. In another blog (and even this one perhaps), I remember talking about 'the ex'. She is one of my best friends, and I could turn to her for anything...be it money, be it advice...anything!
For the past 2 months we have been split up, but we still shared a house, still shared a bedroom, and even shared the same bed. It made things so hard to sit there and watch her go out and have fun with all these other people, then get on my computer to check her dating website for new hits. Then she would turn around and tell me that she loved me, but when I asked her back out, all she could say was 'no'.
She had felt how wonderful freedom was, so now she was not willing to give all that up to be with someone like me.
She would always say: "Why does it have to be official?! You're really annoying, you know that?"
And then I would just bow my head and accept the fact that I would never be good enough for her.
So I took a chance...
I met a girl on OkCupid who went to my school. We met up, had a wonderful time, and we were soon to be very close friends. If I needed anything, she was there, she tried to spoil me all the time. She was always telling me that I was beautiful, wonderful, and worth all the happiness in the world. But I just could not get my mind off the ex...
So one day, when the ex's jealousy got out of hand, I decided that if she truly wanted me, she wouldn't give up the opportunity. If she was so jealous and so scared of losing me..then surely this meant that she wanted to be my g/f again.
So as she stomped out to her car I yelled,"Well if you're so worried about me meeting new people and moving on, then be my girlfriend! Ask me back out already, it's not the hard!" and she just gave me a look and then drove off. And that was it...she obviously did not want me anymore.
I have been in such a situation since the breakup with my ex...just when I was getting out of the house and getting my life together, she had to go and ask me back out...and I feel tat she's only doing it because her jealousy is out of control. I feel like I'm only wanted when I cannot be had.
My previous fling is screwed and needs a place to stay...sure enough, she finally wants me back, even though she tried to make me upset by moving in with someone else. Now the ex wants me back now that she knows I have kissed another girl. And all the while my new friend is watching me suffer from the sidelines...wishing she could do something for me. And if anything, she is the only person not pressuring me for some sort of solution to this problem which I have created.
But as far as my ex goes...I feel like I have betrayed her (when it should be the other way around). I feel like my freedom has made her disappointed in me, disgusted with me, and has made me somewhat unworthy of her affection. I'm addicted to her love...but numb enough to the point where I'm not sure whether she could ever be my one-and-only...whether she could ever be my true love.
So everyone who ever said that a lesbian relationship was easy...its not.
We have just as many problems than anyone else...if not moreso.
I still love people, I lose people, there are the break-ups and make-ups that even a 'normal' relationship has. We laugh we cry...we make bad decisions, and we regret them later.
I wish I had the answers to everything...but sadly enough I do not. So for all of those whom I have ever hurt, I apologize. I apologize for causing you pain and not being good enough...
