Lesbian Bed Death

Never in my life had I heard of Lesbian Bed Death...

...but now that I am going through it, I'm starting to worry about my relationship, and myself.

I pulled this picture from an Online Article (<---clicky the link) that I was researching at 4am in the morning. The reason for this is because, as my usual cases are...my lover and I are going through a rough time.

Though I try not to mention her name (as I know that will only cause problems later on), I have decided that I will call my girlfriend by the name of "Mercy", as to help my readers better understand where I am coming from,

(But back to the story).

Mercy and I had just gotten home from the warehouse (after taking some personal time off). As usually, we kicked off our shoes, and Mercy immediately got on her laptop. While this always irritates me, it is her normal ritual, so I do not say anything, and instead, grab my laptop to entertain myself while I wait for her to finish.

The plan was for her to check her e-mail and then we would watch a movie together...but that never happened. Instead, while I was surfing the web...she sat her laptop down and crawled over to where I was sitting and said: "Do you feel like our relationship has changed?"

I have come to notice that when Mercy asks questions like that, it is never a good thing...and so, I pursed my lips and asked her back,"What do you mean?"
"Well...we aren't as lovey-dovey as we used to be..."

And that's where all the trouble began...

As any other relationship would go...when a n argument starts between a couple, it always begins as an innocent question. Then, as that question is answered to the best of one's ability, then it becomes more of a debate, then an argument, then a full-out fight in the bedroom.

What Mercy was really getting at with all this was that, since getting back together, our love life has not been the same. We have not been as sexually active as we were when we first got together, and in a sense, the act of making love was becoming more of a chore as the months went on, and it felt more like having sex than doing something romantic and passionate. this, of course, lead to the option: "Maybe we should break up...because our relationship is obviously dead."

Now,  I cannot blame Mercy for these thoughts, because I have been thinking along the same lines for the last couple of months (myself). I have felt that, as of late, my sexual needs have not been met...and when they are met, they are hardly satisfying and more like a 2$ job.
For example, as we yelled and Mercy told me that it felt more like 'sex' rather than 'making love', I told her how I agreed and why I felt that way. I felt that, even though I tried to make an effort at passionate love-making via touching, massaging, and foreplay...she just made it seem like sex because she would instantly grab for the strap-on and would not even engage in any foreplay or oral with me...and it seemed like the only thing on her mind was getting the job over with as quickly and as cleanly as possible without so much as getting me to orgasm even a little. Once the job was done, I would still be horny, wanting more action, and we would not even cuddle afterwards which left me feeling like I was used goods.

Then, she went on to say that I just did not turn her on, and made no effort to do so. And when I went to prove her wrong, I had plenty of examples. There have been lots of days and nights where I have wanted to make love to Mercy. But all my attempts end in vain for one reason or another. One reason was because, every time I try and get her aroused...it is right before work. Mercy is the type of person that likes to take her time...even when it comes to getting in the mood. So naturally, though we could have really hot love-making in the 15 to 20 minutes before we have to get ready, she would tell me not to arouse her because it was almost time for work.

Another time...she was working and I was at home. So, while she was at work, I shaved my legs, put on my lace panties, aid on the couch with only a loose silk robe on, and watched porn for 3 hours so that by the time she walked in the door, I was ready to pounce her and take her for a wild ride. But, like with the classic TV drama's including the 'hard-working' husband...I got the classic line of,"Mmmm...hey there sexy." then: "Sorry baby...but I'm really tired."

So now it has turned into a matter of deciding what we should do. I know that when she goes away for the military that the spark will come back as we get to see each other less-and-less...but I also know that, that will make the temptation for her going for someone else much, much higher.

Advice, anyone?

A formal Apology---

To all of my followers ans those who have come across this blog:

I apologize.

I realized that, while writing this blog, My Rainbow World became more of a rant page rather than what it was meant to be. I began this blog in hopes of showing others how, Gays and Lesbians were no different than anyone in a heterosexual relationship and/or living a heterosexual lifestyle.
I meant to have this blog use my personal life experiences to only prove my point.

But what actually happened was that, in the process of writing this blog, I became obsessed over my love-life with the woman named Taz (and how we were always off-and-on). I used this page as a getaway, to vent my frustrations and to try and expel whatever negative and sad emotions I had. But, I do NOT want this blog to be a pity-party nor a therapy session...what I want is something that is informative, inspiring, but still touching and personal.

So...from now on...I will be trying a little harder when it comes to this blog...hopefully I can get better points across in this new year. Thank you all, and again, my apologies.

---Mia ~***

Maybe I should just take the hint...

I am one of those people who find it hard to let things go. Especially relationships.

I have been so blessed over the course of 2 years to have an amazing woman who i love...but as some say, that blessing has also been something of a curse.

As it would seem, each time I get the chance to be back with this so-said-amazing-woman, something always goes terribly wrong, and then i am left single again, forced to watch as she mingles and melds with other people and leaves me at home...lonely...and wondering why we even split apart.

And by  now...after she has dumped me for the 3-4 time...I'm starting to think that maybe I should just take the hint. Maybe I should wake up and realize that in all reality, her and I might not be made for each other. And I say 'might', because, even as I sit here and type out my feelings through tears, there is that part of me that still refuses to give up on what I consider a true love. 

*sighs*

Sadder still is that I also realized that a lot of the things that go wrong in my relationship with that other woman...they are mostly my fault. Petty mistakes that are repeated too often soon become major problems that cannot be fixed. then comes the bitter feelings, they yelling, saying a bunch of things that we dont mean, and then my crying and whining...begging her not to leave me (which then leads to more fighting). It's like an endless cycle that never seems to stop.

As I wrote before...I am not the most perfect person and therefore have a hard time keeping up a good relationship. I am prone to make stupid mistakes AND to make them often. I am prone to get annoyed, and while I do not lose my temper, I get snippy and turn into a major-sarcastic-smart-ass. then there is my paranoia which often bothers my significant other, and then on top of all that, I talk too much, have a hard time keeping secrets, AND I assume way too often for my own good.

Though I may have grown a lot in the last 2 years that I have been living on my own, I realize that I still have a lot to learn, and that until I DO get a handle on this thing called 'life'...any other relationships down the road will end just the same as this one has.

I only wish that I could turn back time...change everything and fix my problems so that when I wake up later this afternoon, I will still have a girlfriend, and I will still be laying in another's arms. Guess it's my fault though...she's leaving because of my stupidity...and I will never be able to hold her again. And she'll move on without a problem...and me...

...

....

.....

......I will still be in love with her.

~Love & Hate~

"I hate that I love you." <----sound familiar?
 You see...we all have those moments where we are bitter towards people. Whether those people be lovers, relatives, it does not matter. It's all a matter of whether or not we can get rid of the bitterness within us. THATS what truly defines us. "Alright Mia...get to the point." <---I can hear you saying it from all the way through your computer screen.

So the 'friend' I keep mentioning...Taz.
It's no secret that I like her...no wonder to anyone that I'm madly in love with her, and no surprise that no matter how hard I try to win her heart, all my endeavors end the same way: A disaster.
I don't know how many times in out 1.5 years of knowing each other that she has turned to me, called me or whatever, and then said: "Hey...I just want to be friends." By now, it shouldn't shock me...by now, I should be used to always being second best...and by now, it shouldn't hurt me...but it does.

Sometimes...I really hate the fact that I love that woman.
Sometimes. I wish I could just disappear, just run away and hide and let time heal all wounds. But I can't. I feel that the longer I hold on, the sweeter the reward at the end, when others say it will be the opposite. and honestly, I don't know what to do and/or what to believe anymore. I love Taz with all my heart...we have been through so much together, and we have done so many things, overcome so many obstacles, and have forgiven each other for every dumb mistake. But while my heart is stuck in the same place all of the time...*sighs*.

She needs someone...she needs someone to stay by her side no matter what happens. She needs that person that she can always turn to no matter what, she needs that person that she can run to if ever she feels as if she has nowhere else to turn. And I feel like I am that person. So naturally...I'm not saying I want to be a doormat, a rebound, a floater, a fuck-buddy, or anything like that...but I'm starting to doubt that her and I can be lovers like I want us to. And while some days I hold firm in what I want, other days I find that I'm willing to let her take advantage of me just so that I feel loved.

So do I sometimes hate that I love her?
Or do I just hate love?

You think it out...

When Someone gives you butterflies… [Rant & Poem]

Sometimes I feel like I am doing the wrong thing by wanting a long-lasting relationship. I see other people having their fun and their freedom, and even at work, others pressure me to just go out and have fun…not worry about ever getting married, not worry about settling down with that one person that was made just for me…and just to live day-by-day as it comes and then goes.

Sometimes I feel like those people are right…that they know what they talk about.

But then I remember the feeling of being proposed to…of the dreams of me being that blushing bride and walking down the aisle…and then my heart begins to race within my chest, my cheeks flush over images that my mind plays for me as I day-dream about the day that I will say “I do.”

And then I know why I fight for the people I love, for the people I want to be with, for people who would just look me over and not even think of giving me a single chance. That’s why I continue to cry for closure and hug myself to sleep at night wondering what I have done that was so wrong when I could easily put the blame on someone else and call them hypocrite and liar.

That’s why I continue to play the game called ‘Love’ and understand that with each choice comes a consequence that I must face because I brought it about. That’s why I continue to hurt, to cry, to bleed, to scream, to smile, to love, to laugh, and to hold…all because of that single dream that maybe one day…someone will want me for me, will want to dedicate themselves to me, be faithful to me, and never waver their gaze to another and ask themselves: “What if?”

That’s why I keep hoping that one day I will be good enough…that I might make the right choices to lead me to happiness (with more friends in than foes). *sigh* I hate lonely nights…

Poem by: Amelia Long

When someone gives you butterflies,

Do you despise them for it?

Do you fear that something might come from these feelings?

…bind you to the spot with no way of escape?

When someone gives you butterflies,

Do you cherish it like a gift?

Do you savor the flavor that each kiss leaves upon your lips?

…praying that the moment never fades?

When someone gives you butterflies,

Do you let them slip through your fingers?

Do you weigh the options and choose accordingly?

…play the biggest game of ‘chance’ that life has to offer?

When someone gives you butterflies…

…and you know that you cannot deny how you feel…

…would you have what it takes to break someone’s heart?

Or do you allow yourself to suffer?

After all…it was only butterflies…right?

---My Flaws---

~My Flaws~

I never claimed to be perfect…in fact, by saying that I am anywhere near perfect, that would be far off from the actual truth. In fact, there are many things that make me flawed…some things that I am not proud of, some things that I cannot change, but all of these things is what makes me…well…Me!

• I am not always cut out for the real world:

I understand that there are things that I do not know. I do not always want to go to work, I do not always have the money to pay my bills on time. My idea of professional dress might be very casual compared to someone else, and I do not even have resume. I don’t always know where to locate my high school diploma when attending an interview…and the day just seems incomplete if I am not complaining about something, especially my job. To tell you the truth, I just got a new job up near Indianapolis…I will probably be moving in less than a month, and the thought absolutely TERRIFIES me! I know I will not like the job, I know that living arrangements will be weird while I get used to living back with another adult that is like a mother-type-figure to me. I know that I might not like some rules and hate having to wait to find a place…and the fact that I have never left Terre Haute since I was born does not make it any better. But I’m still going to do it…

• I often come off as very childish:

I am not always the more mature one of the group. I would rather joke than have a serious conversation…I would rather sit down and play video games then get up to wash the dishes, or do the laundry, or take out the trash. I tend to throw fits when I’m having a bad day and/or something isn’t going my way. I’m highly emotional, and while physical pain I can deal with…when hurt emotionally, I will mope around the house or lay in bed and burst into tears when confronted about something (especially something which involved my own stupidity). I am often losing things that I should have kept in a safe place, I am often forgetting simple rules or procedures which get me into trouble later, and while I could tell you what boss I just killed in World of Warcraft (or what I ate for lunch), I would not be able to tell you why I did not fold the laundry or left the bedroom light on again.

• I tend to be a flop when it comes to relationships:

I’m somewhat obsessive when it comes to relationships. I do not mean to be this way, it just happens. When I meet someone, I start to fall too fast, and then I fall hard. Because I am so overly obsessed with loving someone (and making it my top priority to love them), I always feel as though the person I am with loves me less than what I give them in love. This isn’t always the case…it just seems this way because I try too hard to impress someone that I have already won over. Another problem I have is my paranoia in relationships. It would not matter whether the person had a history of cheating or not…any time that a lover is out with someone else, my mind begins to wander, and I make myself sick, playing out alternate realities where that lover of mine is out having the time of their life, not even thinking one bit about me and my being lonely at home, and he/she is out sleeping with someone else, not even caring whether they come home to me or not. I tend to think that  I’m not loved, or that the person who loves me is only pretending to love and./or using me for something…I tend to sometimes think that I am just a filler until the other person finds something better, and then that bring me down.

But the fact of the matter is that…

No matter what my flaws may be, I am true to myself AND true to others around me! If we are in love, and I make a promise…I will keep that promise, even if it takes me some time. If I say that I will follow you to the ends of the world, I mean it! When I say I love you, I mean it! When I say that I want to make things work, I mean it!

So I have a shitty memory…so I often make mistakes…don’t we all?

            To say that you love me…means that you love ALL of me. To say that you love me means that you have accepted me just the way that I am, and that you wouldn’t have me any other way. Arguments will happen, fights will happen, drama will happen, and things will often get misunderstood and blown out of proportions. But to say that you love me means that you are willing to fight for the love you know we share, and to fight for our future. To say that you love me means that you do not want to lose me…and I do not want to lose you.

No…I’m not perfect. But I will be there when no one else will. I can promise you that.

What do you do when it's YOUR fault?

The blame game is such an easy one to play...in fact, its so easy that we, as humans, are often labeling other people and slandering their names to forget our own flaws. Just so, when it comes to relationships, naturally, our instinct is to point the finger at that other person and blame them for any mishaps, mistakes, and/or fallouts...

But what do you do when it is actually YOUR fault?

I often find myself writing blogs about my ex-girlfriend Tasmara. Whether it is anger or whether it is in sadness and self-pity just depends on that day.
Usually, when in anger, I am blaming her for something that has happened, and/or something similar. Usually I'm blaming her for the multiple reasons why we cannot have a stable, happy, and committed relationship with each other.
But alas, I can no longer point the finger at her...because it is I that has messed up this time.

That's right world...I said it.
I have fucked up, and because of it, I'm losing someone very dear to me.

In early February, I was going through a rough time. I was feeling pity because I should have been celebrating my one-year anniversary with Taz on January 16th 2011, but instead, I found myself crying in her arms. I had expected her to ask me back out, because things had been going so perfect, but alas, she was just being a charmer and nothing more...she had no intention of being with me, and that left me destroyed.

It left me so destroyed (in fact) that I finally bit my tongue, and instead of begging her to be mine again, I decided that it was finally time to move on...and that's when I found Brittany. She was a very-sweet down-to-earth girl that was trying to live life to its fullest. She showered me with gifts, told me how amazing I was on a daily basis, and she was always there when I needed her. It was basically like Jay had come back in my life, only she knew what she was going to do with her life and she wasn't fiddling with things that would put her back in prison (^^;)
So while Taz was out doing whatever and whoever...I was at home on the phone with Brittany, laughing and smiling like nothing was wrong in my life.

For awhile...Brittany was really interested in me, and i in her...but I made it clear to her that Taz was the person that my heart belonged to. And until I got free of her grip, then there was no way that I could throw myself into another relationship. Brittany understood because she had been in a similar position once-upon-a-time. So we decided that we would be friends and nothing more until I was ready.
But Taz was starting to notice that I was becoming really close friends with Brittany, and just like with Jay, the jealousy started building, and we began fighting again.
It got so bad one day, that as Taz was getting into her car to go to work, I yelled: "Well if you don't want to be so jealous of Brittany, then be my girlfriend again...ITS NOT THAT HARD!"
But the subject was never brought up again.

To make a long story short...I was fighting with myself after this moment. I felt like the reason why Taz refused to be with me was because I was too clingy and dependant on her love, so I set off on a journey to regain that interdependence.
Well, sure enough, Taz was also battling with herself over the things that I had said and her own love for me...and that's when she decided to take me back. She asked me back one night in the shower and I just gave her a blank stare. While I may have wanted her back...if I jumped back into a relationship without changing what was wrong with me...well, that seemed like I was dooming the relationship before it even began...and I didnt want to do that, so I told Taz "I don't know."

This happened multiple times where Taz would ask me back out and I would not give her an answer, and it was starting to cause fights. Taz had set aside her 'other partner' and had made them 'just friends' to be with me...but I just couldn't be with her yet. She said she would wait for me...but...she didn't...and now she's back with the other girl...and I'm alone.

Every time I ask Taz out, she tells me that she isn't sure...she blames me for waiting too long and not taking her back when she was ready to prove herself. And for once, I cant point the finger at her and blame her for our failure. I can only blame myself...and the guilt is killing me!
I cry every day...the minute Taz leaves the house I burst into tears and its a wonder that it ever stops. I can't sleep at night knowing that she has been sleeping in someone else's arms and making love to someone else that I feel doesn't deserve it.
Call it obsessive and possessive but you have no clue how much we have had to go through to be together...it doesn't seem right that she might be willing to give it all up...but I cant do anything to change her mind, because this is all my fault, and now I'm paying the consequences.