The blame game is such an easy one to play...in fact, its so easy that we, as humans, are often labeling other people and slandering their names to forget our own flaws. Just so, when it comes to relationships, naturally, our instinct is to point the finger at that other person and blame them for any mishaps, mistakes, and/or fallouts...
But what do you do when it is actually YOUR fault?
I often find myself writing blogs about my ex-girlfriend Tasmara. Whether it is anger or whether it is in sadness and self-pity just depends on that day.
Usually, when in anger, I am blaming her for something that has happened, and/or something similar. Usually I'm blaming her for the multiple reasons why we cannot have a stable, happy, and committed relationship with each other.
But alas, I can no longer point the finger at her...because it is I that has messed up this time.
That's right world...I said it.
I have fucked up, and because of it, I'm losing someone very dear to me.
In early February, I was going through a rough time. I was feeling pity because I should have been celebrating my one-year anniversary with Taz on January 16th 2011, but instead, I found myself crying in her arms. I had expected her to ask me back out, because things had been going so perfect, but alas, she was just being a charmer and nothing more...she had no intention of being with me, and that left me destroyed.
It left me so destroyed (in fact) that I finally bit my tongue, and instead of begging her to be mine again, I decided that it was finally time to move on...and that's when I found Brittany. She was a very-sweet down-to-earth girl that was trying to live life to its fullest. She showered me with gifts, told me how amazing I was on a daily basis, and she was always there when I needed her. It was basically like Jay had come back in my life, only she knew what she was going to do with her life and she wasn't fiddling with things that would put her back in prison (^^;)
So while Taz was out doing whatever and whoever...I was at home on the phone with Brittany, laughing and smiling like nothing was wrong in my life.
For awhile...Brittany was really interested in me, and i in her...but I made it clear to her that Taz was the person that my heart belonged to. And until I got free of her grip, then there was no way that I could throw myself into another relationship. Brittany understood because she had been in a similar position once-upon-a-time. So we decided that we would be friends and nothing more until I was ready.
But Taz was starting to notice that I was becoming really close friends with Brittany, and just like with Jay, the jealousy started building, and we began fighting again.
It got so bad one day, that as Taz was getting into her car to go to work, I yelled: "Well if you don't want to be so jealous of Brittany, then be my girlfriend again...ITS NOT THAT HARD!"
But the subject was never brought up again.
To make a long story short...I was fighting with myself after this moment. I felt like the reason why Taz refused to be with me was because I was too clingy and dependant on her love, so I set off on a journey to regain that interdependence.
Well, sure enough, Taz was also battling with herself over the things that I had said and her own love for me...and that's when she decided to take me back. She asked me back one night in the shower and I just gave her a blank stare. While I may have wanted her back...if I jumped back into a relationship without changing what was wrong with me...well, that seemed like I was dooming the relationship before it even began...and I didnt want to do that, so I told Taz "I don't know."
This happened multiple times where Taz would ask me back out and I would not give her an answer, and it was starting to cause fights. Taz had set aside her 'other partner' and had made them 'just friends' to be with me...but I just couldn't be with her yet. She said she would wait for me...but...she didn't...and now she's back with the other girl...and I'm alone.
Every time I ask Taz out, she tells me that she isn't sure...she blames me for waiting too long and not taking her back when she was ready to prove herself. And for once, I cant point the finger at her and blame her for our failure. I can only blame myself...and the guilt is killing me!
I cry every day...the minute Taz leaves the house I burst into tears and its a wonder that it ever stops. I can't sleep at night knowing that she has been sleeping in someone else's arms and making love to someone else that I feel doesn't deserve it.
Call it obsessive and possessive but you have no clue how much we have had to go through to be together...it doesn't seem right that she might be willing to give it all up...but I cant do anything to change her mind, because this is all my fault, and now I'm paying the consequences.
