Sometimes I wish...



I'm classified [technically] as a bi-sexual. I only tell people that I am a lesbian because, while I can find men attractive, I never seem to fall in love w/ them...and in the end, I get bored and dump them. I'm not interested in having sex with a man...I lost my virginity to a woman, have only had sex with women, and while I will not tell you that I would not like sex with a man (because that might not be true), I'm just not interested in trying it out.
People tell me sometimes that I'm missing out...but how can you miss something you have never had?

I do not wish to go back to the days when I was straight. Those days are full of nothing but boredom as I fought with my feelings over why I could not make myself fall in love with whatever amazing guy I was dating at the time.
But sometimes I wish that I could fall in love with a man...because that would make my life so much easier. I have dated so many men that would sit there and give me the world if they could, and they loved me so much , and would do anything for me...but while their heart was in it, mine just did not exist, and it was not there for the taking. I have turned down so many guys that could have offered me a comfortable life, jobs, a house, and more...but I'm not the type to use people for my own benefit...it's just too cruel.

But I really do not have all that much luck with women. Sure enough, some of the ones I have dated were meant to be short-term...but there are others whom I have been with who were so amazing that all I can sit there and do is dream about a future with them, buying a house with them, having kids with them, and etc. But the only thing they leave me with is a sad goodbye, a bunch of old memories that I will never re-live again, and a broken heart.
And I'm currently going through such a loss with my ex.

Recently on Facebook...a friend of mine from high school wrote as his status: What is love, really?
And there were a multitude of responses. One girl wrote that love does not exist, one wrote that love is merely a figment of the imagination...one admitted that the feeling was used so loosely and that only 3 of 10 people actually experience true love.
Then somehow, I managed to steal the show when I posted this as my answer:

 Love...is complicated (if it even exists). Sometimes love is a tie between two people who care about each; taking care of each other and making promises that they one day hope to keep b/c they plan to be together forever...and sometimes love is watching someone suffer because they have their heart set on something that has moved on without them. Love is happiness and love is pain...love can be anything, and can be shared between anyone...and it will never truly be understood because it means something different to each person.

 Because that's how I feel when it comes to me and my ex. When we first got together (almost a year ago), we were both looking for the same thing. We were both recovering from serious heartbreaks and we were ready to move on and find the next best thing. We had failed once at love, and now, we wanted to get it right. We both wanted to settle down with someone, start a life with someone, and just live out one big adventure with the person who would come to steal our hearts...

We were perfect together (or so it seemed), and our relationship was amazing for 3-months in. We never had a fight, we hardly disagreed...we stayed up late, made love all day long, danced in the kitchen of her apartment while cooking dinner, and cuddled when we weren't going out to eat or exploring new places.

I mean, we had our issues...at the time, she was wanting to go into the military...and I would have to go for months and months without being with her. Then in 4 years she promised to settle down with me and get married...but now all that stuff just seems like bull.
We moved in together and she found a better way to get her dream job, turns out she hated the job and she has no money to go back to school. We have bills to pay and everything else that life throws at us...and shit happened in that time. We broke up, found other people, got mad because each other had found someone else, got back together thinking we could fix things...

...but while my heart is all in it, she just could not forget the person she had met in our time of separation. Now she can't choose between the two of us, and told me just last night that our love has grown dull. It's not as exciting as it used to be because:

a.) We're not together...

b.) She's always going out without me...

c.) We're always fighting about life because she is stressed and feels like she is in a hole.

and

d.)She doesn't know what she wants.

She says that she has moved on, but not all the way...and I'm not ready to move on. I want us to be together, but at the same time, the more I pressure her...the more I am pushing her away, and I do not want that. I know she loves me...I know she does in the way she holds me at night, the way she speaks to me, and the way she takes care of me. She's even thinking about going back into the military and wants me to follow her.

But plain fact-of-the-matter is that...she's fading from me, and I don't know if she will ever come back.
And women like her are hard to find...and I don't think I will ever love anyone as much as I do her...ever again.